Twitter-related Rant.

I like Twitter.

My Twitter feed is full of interesting and amusing people who make me laugh, teach me something or – most importantly – laugh at what I have to say. It’s a great way to waste time and an even better way for me to find out which celebrity has died before phoning my Mum to tell her. She’s all “really, how did you know?” Then I’m all, “I’m psychic” but she’s like “no, really, how did you know?” to which I restate “I’m psychic” and she’s a bit like “really?” and I say “yes” and then it’s a bit silent for a while before we talk about Coronation Street. I digress.

Sometimes, I venture outside of my cocoon of reasonably amusing people to The Dark Side. This happens for one of two reasons.

1) I click on a hashtag to see if I can amuse myself. These will be things like #WhatMaBabyMamaSays or #BlackBwoisAre and will end with things like “*kisses teeth* sort yo bump n grind out boi LOL” and “all about the pussayyyyyy AINT I RIGHT LATEHSA” and so I exit while silently judging people I don’t know and decide to make a sandwich instead, or something.

2) Because I’ve tweeted words like cock, fanny, twat, hot or desperate – not necessarily in a sexual manner – and get an instant add/@reply from a delightful young gentleman asking if I want a little summinsummin’. (NB: No. I don’t. Ever.) I’ll click through and their profile is always just full of @replies to pornstars and celebrities asking to see tits. Speaking of which, I came across this today – a gentleman giving out his Blackberry pin and asking women to add him over and over again, but with this sandwiched in the middle. Oh! It made me guffaw, for some reason:


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After the mind-bogglingly boring sex scandals that saw Ronan Keating bonk a dancer, Vernon Kay texting someone telling her he had the horn and Ashley ‘I’m less interesting than a potato’ Cole posing for the world to see in what looked suspiciously like Primark pants, I’m bored.

If there’s no exposé on a BNP councillor paying a black, pre-op transsexual to defecate on his chest or pictures showing me that Ant and Dec are in fact a couple, I don’t much care. When the leading respected publications The Sun and The Daily mail reported on sporadically funnyman Jason Manford sending sexy tweets (twexts? Sweets? Seexts?) to a chubby funster called Something McSomething, I can’t say I was blown away. Average looking man chances it and requests to see average looking woman’s breasts? In my world, that’s called ‘every minute of the day in London.’ Seriously. I’ve lived here for a few months and I’ve been curb crawled several times (OK, twice). I dress more like a 1920s housewife than a street-walker and haven’t seen a red light in my area; it must be the junk in my trunk. I digress.

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Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes: Her Wikipedia page tells me she is an actress, comedienne (really?), fashion designer (REALLY?), singer, voice actor and philosopher*.

She recently announced on Twitter, as publicists are a dying breed, that she intends to retire from acting at the tender age of 24. I think she was wasted playing characters, though. Her Twitter feed shows me just what an intelligent, deep thinker this hamster-cheeked girl is. I picked a few of her musings that touched me most to share with you.

I like black men I’m just very attracted to them fyi

I hate perverted dudes ew

BF = boyfriend. GF = girlfriend (because apparently we had no idea)

Sometimes I joke around and sometimes I’m serious

Um hi

And my personal favourite:

I only smile if I’m happy if you catch me smiling I’m happy

I think we can all take a few things away from these Tweets. Namely, Amanda Bynes is void of personality but I’m sure there’s something else in there.

*I totes added that for LULZ