Online Dating.

Two of my favourite things are reading personals and mocking people. If I get the paper, I always dash to the adds at the back to see which lonely chap with a GSOH is seeking a trans woman for fun times. I persuaded (made) my old housemate start internet dating; this was only 12% because I wanted his romantic life to be prosperous and exciting for him, but 88% because I wanted to write his profile for him and scour the place for suitable laydeez.

Voyeuristic to the core, I’m really interested in how people project themselves online. I think it takes a lot of skill not to sound retarded or mental. The lucky few come out of the profile writing process by sounding well-balanced and interesting but the rest you have to choose from are the painfully generic types who “like going out or staying in, music, films, hobbies of all sorts” or the overly pushy but probably really insecure types that “don’t want to hear from overweight people, please have a university degree, I vote LibDem and so must you. Also, if you’ve had more than 3 sexual partners I will think you’re SKANKY WHORE so please don’t write to me SLUT.”

As it happens, I only have eyes for my handsome boyfriend (hi, my lobster!) and all of my friends seem to be busy getting married or squeezing out humans, so I’ve no need to scour the personals like a lonely Jennifer Anniston crying into a mug of vodka for anybody. Occasionally, personals just seem to fall into my lap by way of being advertised or routinely laughed at on blogs I read. See here.  This Julian Assange dating profile is also quite interesting (ooh! Topical! And regardless of how much I support him at the moment, HOLY HELL, he sounds like a plank.”) ALSO THIS. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. Definitely followed by this.

So, yeah, sometimes people don’t stand out as completely stable and that’s what I love. I don’t hate on anybody whatsoever who actively seeks love on the internet because it can work. Meeting somebody on the internet leads to one of four things; a terrible dinner date that’s cut short by a fake emergency, mediocre sex, falling hopelessly and deeply in love or getting murdered. Life’s all about taking chances. Having said that, I will totally laugh in the virtual face of profiles that make me cringe, but then one lady’s trash is another’s wank material. Swings and roundabouts.

While I’m waiting for my friend to come over and make me feel less like I’m about to die of whatever it is I’ve picked up on the mean streets of South London (not HIV), let’s meet someone.

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ATTN: Single Ladies

One thing that I am wholeheartedly unashamed about is just how much of a fan of romance I am. I will see Katherine Heigl and Jennifer Anniston movies on opening weekend, I will read novels that include phrases such as “my loins were warm with my lust for her” and “I knew she was the one when we both reached for the same tomato purée tube in Sainsbury’s”, I will take an active interest in the love lives of everybody I know and a few people I don’t, I may have already planned almost every detail of my wedding (I’m not yet engaged), and there is nobody alive who “AWWW”s louder than I do when I see a couple of OAPs hobbling around hand in hand.

There are very few times when I’ll mock somebody for being a brave enough person to put themselves out there and make the first move when they are interested in a person, no matter how cringeworthy they come across, but I’m about to. I don’t even need to say anything really (but I will, obviously) as this audio says it all for me.


Enticing, amirite? No, no. Not at all. I laughed, I gasped, I exclaimed and I cut myself a bit.

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We can find it in bars, in supermarkets, on blind dates or while sitting in the park. Perhaps we’ll stumble across it in line for a kebab, on a plane, whilst on holiday or at the weekly Church Singles get-together. Since the invention of the interwebz, we’ve now been able to get to know a huge number of people while being sat at home watching Columbo reruns in our pants.

For those super-efficient visionaries among us, a mere dating profile on a website is not enough. No, no, no. Advertising on your own website? Yes, yes, yes. Step forward, you burning hunk of love, Paul Narang.

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My Glass Case of Emotion.

When the person you care about most in the world is in a bad place emotionally and you can’t do anything to help apart from just letting them know you’ll  be there for them no matter what, it’s the worst feeling in the world. Even worse than explosive diarrhea* (or so I would imagine).

*Yes! I spelt this ‘diarrhea’ right without the aid of a dictionary for the first time in my life which has brought me an odd sense of achievement**.

**I spelt that wrong though. That fucking I-before-E-except-after-C-but-there-are-some-exceptions bullshit rule.

El Oh Vee Eee.

Volcano, schmolcano.

The sun is shining and it’s warm enough to wear a top with no sleeves (NO SLEEVES, PEOPLE), exercise has released endorphins and someone is bidding on my terrible clothes I put on eBay. In short, life is peachy today.

Adding to the happiness is being in love.
Being in love is making me happy.
Being happy is making me creative.
Me being creative is giving you these treats; for I, Allie, have written a deep and meaningful poem. About love. Enjoy.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I’m here all week.