Online Dating.

Two of my favourite things are reading personals and mocking people. If I get the paper, I always dash to the adds at the back to see which lonely chap with a GSOH is seeking a trans woman for fun times. I persuaded (made) my old housemate start internet dating; this was only 12% because I wanted his romantic life to be prosperous and exciting for him, but 88% because I wanted to write his profile for him and scour the place for suitable laydeez.

Voyeuristic to the core, I’m really interested in how people project themselves online. I think it takes a lot of skill not to sound retarded or mental. The lucky few come out of the profile writing process by sounding well-balanced and interesting but the rest you have to choose from are the painfully generic types who “like going out or staying in, music, films, hobbies of all sorts” or the overly pushy but probably really insecure types that “don’t want to hear from overweight people, please have a university degree, I vote LibDem and so must you. Also, if you’ve had more than 3 sexual partners I will think you’re SKANKY WHORE so please don’t write to me SLUT.”

As it happens, I only have eyes for my handsome boyfriend (hi, my lobster!) and all of my friends seem to be busy getting married or squeezing out humans, so I’ve no need to scour the personals like a lonely Jennifer Anniston crying into a mug of vodka for anybody. Occasionally, personals just seem to fall into my lap by way of being advertised or routinely laughed at on blogs I read. See here.  This Julian Assange dating profile is also quite interesting (ooh! Topical! And regardless of how much I support him at the moment, HOLY HELL, he sounds like a plank.”) ALSO THIS. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. Definitely followed by this.

So, yeah, sometimes people don’t stand out as completely stable and that’s what I love. I don’t hate on anybody whatsoever who actively seeks love on the internet because it can work. Meeting somebody on the internet leads to one of four things; a terrible dinner date that’s cut short by a fake emergency, mediocre sex, falling hopelessly and deeply in love or getting murdered. Life’s all about taking chances. Having said that, I will totally laugh in the virtual face of profiles that make me cringe, but then one lady’s trash is another’s wank material. Swings and roundabouts.

While I’m waiting for my friend to come over and make me feel less like I’m about to die of whatever it is I’ve picked up on the mean streets of South London (not HIV), let’s meet someone.

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I have a confession to make:

Sometimes, when writing assignments at university, I’d use Wikipedia as a point of reference.


During my first  year of LLB Law, I’d Wiki it up when I needed to see the date of a big case but I wouldn’t look to it for quotes from the judgments (maybe once). If you’ve ever had to use MyAthens, you might feel my pain of finally being bothered to search through endless databases and resources for one little bit of information and then trying to log into it only to realise that you’ve forgot your password. You could phone up that reliable classmate in the other Halls across town but you’re slightly wasted and it’s 4am on the day of the hand-in date so you don’t. You look at Wikipedia for the information and then accidentally leave that out of your bibliography. I (hopefully) can’t have been the only person to do that.

We all know it’s bad blah, blah, blah,  people can edit it blah, blah, blah and Vernon Kaye’s page was changed to say he’d died but it wasn’t true blah, blah, blah but I’ve never stumbled upon anything that made me facepalm and rub my belly as I chuckle heartily…

…And I still haven’t but I did see this slightly amusing bit of information when I was looking up the synopsis of a 2009 Brittany Murphy film that nobody’s heard of (Deadline):

‘The movie premiered at some place in some plae [sic] in October 2009.’

It’s both funny and sad that not even the studio that made it liked this film enough to check and edit their Wiki page. It must be shit. I am so watching it.

My Mum Met Chat Roulette.

I introduced my mother to Chat Roulette the other day.

I’ve never been one to have regrets as every experience helps to shape the person you are but, without a shadow of a doubt, it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made to not take screen shots.

Chat Roulette is not something I really care about. Like everyone, I pissed my pants in delight over watching Merton (of YouTube fame) serenade everyone with his piano but webcams terrify me. Mine is integrated into my laptop and I dislike it. I find it sneaky. It just looks really suspicious and I have been known to cover it up with  masking tape just in case it’s secretly turned on and is broadcasting me live on the interwebz. That’s probably just my paranoia being extreme as opposed to my webcam giving me indication that it’s a living organism, but whatever – you can’t be too careful.

So, after she chugged a cider and lime, she was all “let’s see this new craze! woo” and I was all “uhh…” and she was all “COME ON!” so we plonked in front of the webcam and logged on…

…To see the most obvious looking meth head I’ve ever seen sucking off a chubster. Mum screams. Next.
An old man wanking. Mum screams. Next.
A fat woman juggling her tits. Mum screams. Next.
A group of twelve year old boys. Mum screams. Next.
A group of twelve year old girls. Mum screams. Next.
A doll. Mum screams. Next.
A really, really hairy minge. Mum screams. Exit.


It was a total let down and, actually, very awkward. I spent 22 years avoiding watching programmes that have a bit of kissing in when I’m with my mother, so to see multiple clunge wiggling around was a truly terrible moment. As I didn’t take any screen shots, I drew a little picture of what happened:

Next episode: My mum meets goatse.

For All Those Wanting A Quick Guide To Omegle, You Can Thank Me Later.

So, Omegle, eh? Screw Chatroulette; if I want to enter a chatroom, I want it to be as anonymous and sleazy as it gets. Created by an 18 year old American and welcoming around 150,000 unique visitors a day, Omegle is the latest downfall of society/dangerous risk to our children/secret Nazi operation/run by atheists/other such bad things tabloids squawk out. Turns out, it’s ridiculously addictive and completely silly.

***Also, I’ve noticed something a bit funny with the tabs I had open while I was having an Internet Party on Omegle. Firstly, I wasn’t Googling Razzle to look at boobs. I was having a conversation about pornography magazines and wanted to doublecheck Razzle was one. (Honest.) Secondly, yes I was Googling how to do a screen dump. I can’t believe the keyboards actually have a ‘Print Screen’ button and I didn’t even notice. I am stupid.

These are the things spending an hour in the realm of batshit crazy websites taught me yesterday. Behold some truly wonderful life lessons.

1.  Thugs don’t use Omegle.

2. People aren’t as helpful and altruistic as I thought they were.

3. It’s not easy to groom children.

4. The Pope is a fan.