Online Dating.

Two of my favourite things are reading personals and mocking people. If I get the paper, I always dash to the adds at the back to see which lonely chap with a GSOH is seeking a trans woman for fun times. I persuaded (made) my old housemate start internet dating; this was only 12% because I wanted his romantic life to be prosperous and exciting for him, but 88% because I wanted to write his profile for him and scour the place for suitable laydeez.

Voyeuristic to the core, I’m really interested in how people project themselves online. I think it takes a lot of skill not to sound retarded or mental. The lucky few come out of the profile writing process by sounding well-balanced and interesting but the rest you have to choose from are the painfully generic types who “like going out or staying in, music, films, hobbies of all sorts” or the overly pushy but probably really insecure types that “don’t want to hear from overweight people, please have a university degree, I vote LibDem and so must you. Also, if you’ve had more than 3 sexual partners I will think you’re SKANKY WHORE so please don’t write to me SLUT.”

As it happens, I only have eyes for my handsome boyfriend (hi, my lobster!) and all of my friends seem to be busy getting married or squeezing out humans, so I’ve no need to scour the personals like a lonely Jennifer Anniston crying into a mug of vodka for anybody. Occasionally, personals just seem to fall into my lap by way of being advertised or routinely laughed at on blogs I read. See here.  This Julian Assange dating profile is also quite interesting (ooh! Topical! And regardless of how much I support him at the moment, HOLY HELL, he sounds like a plank.”) ALSO THIS. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. Definitely followed by this.

So, yeah, sometimes people don’t stand out as completely stable and that’s what I love. I don’t hate on anybody whatsoever who actively seeks love on the internet because it can work. Meeting somebody on the internet leads to one of four things; a terrible dinner date that’s cut short by a fake emergency, mediocre sex, falling hopelessly and deeply in love or getting murdered. Life’s all about taking chances. Having said that, I will totally laugh in the virtual face of profiles that make me cringe, but then one lady’s trash is another’s wank material. Swings and roundabouts.

While I’m waiting for my friend to come over and make me feel less like I’m about to die of whatever it is I’ve picked up on the mean streets of South London (not HIV), let’s meet someone.

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How Celebrities Keep Me Up At Night.

I’ve not been sleeping well.

I didn’t want to alarm my nearest and dearest but since May 2009, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep. I toss and turn; I sweat profusely; I call out for my mother and I have nightmares that frighten me to my very core.

I tried altering my diet and mixing up my exercise regime; alas, these did not do a thing. I drank copious amounts of whiskey to knock me out, followed by swallowing fifteen sleeping pills; alas, this just gave me a hangover and a stomach ache.

I often sat down perplexed, looking wistfully into the distance wondering what the issue was, as having these troubles continue for longer than a year certainly indicated towards a concern I had buried deep down into my subconscious.

Then – eureka! – like a teenager discovering masturbation for the very first time, I felt the giddy excitement of a problem being solved. I didn’t have family, relationship or financial woes but there was an answer to one question I needed answering and my body wouldn’t let me sleep until I got it.

Why did Peter Andre divorce Katie Price?!?!

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Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes: Her Wikipedia page tells me she is an actress, comedienne (really?), fashion designer (REALLY?), singer, voice actor and philosopher*.

She recently announced on Twitter, as publicists are a dying breed, that she intends to retire from acting at the tender age of 24. I think she was wasted playing characters, though. Her Twitter feed shows me just what an intelligent, deep thinker this hamster-cheeked girl is. I picked a few of her musings that touched me most to share with you.

I like black men I’m just very attracted to them fyi

I hate perverted dudes ew

BF = boyfriend. GF = girlfriend (because apparently we had no idea)

Sometimes I joke around and sometimes I’m serious

Um hi

And my personal favourite:

I only smile if I’m happy if you catch me smiling I’m happy

I think we can all take a few things away from these Tweets. Namely, Amanda Bynes is void of personality but I’m sure there’s something else in there.

*I totes added that for LULZ