Online Dating.

Two of my favourite things are reading personals and mocking people. If I get the paper, I always dash to the adds at the back to see which lonely chap with a GSOH is seeking a trans woman for fun times. I persuaded (made) my old housemate start internet dating; this was only 12% because I wanted his romantic life to be prosperous and exciting for him, but 88% because I wanted to write his profile for him and scour the place for suitable laydeez.

Voyeuristic to the core, I’m really interested in how people project themselves online. I think it takes a lot of skill not to sound retarded or mental. The lucky few come out of the profile writing process by sounding well-balanced and interesting but the rest you have to choose from are the painfully generic types who “like going out or staying in, music, films, hobbies of all sorts” or the overly pushy but probably really insecure types that “don’t want to hear from overweight people, please have a university degree, I vote LibDem and so must you. Also, if you’ve had more than 3 sexual partners I will think you’re SKANKY WHORE so please don’t write to me SLUT.”

As it happens, I only have eyes for my handsome boyfriend (hi, my lobster!) and all of my friends seem to be busy getting married or squeezing out humans, so I’ve no need to scour the personals like a lonely Jennifer Anniston crying into a mug of vodka for anybody. Occasionally, personals just seem to fall into my lap by way of being advertised or routinely laughed at on blogs I read. See here.  This Julian Assange dating profile is also quite interesting (ooh! Topical! And regardless of how much I support him at the moment, HOLY HELL, he sounds like a plank.”) ALSO THIS. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS. Definitely followed by this.

So, yeah, sometimes people don’t stand out as completely stable and that’s what I love. I don’t hate on anybody whatsoever who actively seeks love on the internet because it can work. Meeting somebody on the internet leads to one of four things; a terrible dinner date that’s cut short by a fake emergency, mediocre sex, falling hopelessly and deeply in love or getting murdered. Life’s all about taking chances. Having said that, I will totally laugh in the virtual face of profiles that make me cringe, but then one lady’s trash is another’s wank material. Swings and roundabouts.

While I’m waiting for my friend to come over and make me feel less like I’m about to die of whatever it is I’ve picked up on the mean streets of South London (not HIV), let’s meet someone.

I’m going to start by saying I wouldn’t normally publish a photo unless it’s already widely available on the internet (it is and I’m not entirely sure this is anyone other than a Power Ranger) and his profile is in bold followed by my failing witticisms.

Hi. I’m Ryoga. Really?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEXT.

Sorry, sorry. Continue.

I’m 30.

I work for a major search engine located in Mt View (guess who). (LOL, ASKJEEVES? KIDDING!) Very much on the creative side (no shit) (artist (?), model (?), Fashion designer (?!?)).

I’m a professional Freerunner who also trains in MMA ans Wushu (Actual hobbies listed. Not my cup of cha, but definitely interesting). I love Rock Climbing at Planet Granite. I’m an art major / visual technology, and I study film / Screen Writing (No surprises there. Everybody’s wettest of wet dreams in that area is writing a screenplay worthy of something other than a performance in their mum’s kitchen. Bet he has a Starbucks membership card.)

I’m kinda a wicked comical blend between a suave gentlemen, snooty intellectual and an uber nerd. (This sentence blows. It’s akin to saying “I’m totally random!!!!!”)
Science Fiction, Comics, Videos games and Technology on one side,
Politics, higher learning, and the unending quest for knowledge on the other, and down the middle, the time I spend in and out of the gym staying healthy and active. (“I’m listing a bit of everything; you’ll end up going for one thing, yeah?”)

I’m also somewhat a celeb in certain circles. (HA. Go on…)

Ive appeared on The Tonight Show, ESPN, Tech TV, MTV, G4TV, Sci-Fi, CW, TruTV, tons on local and national news publications. (So, effectively, you aren’t a celebrity at all. You’ve just been near a camera? My brother was on the BBC news, bro. In a whole, actual segment. BBC beats your TruTV hands down and he’s no celebrity. I barely even remember his phone number.) Why? Well, lets just say I tend to do things that draw lots attention to myself. (You’re a prolific sex offender with a penchant for masturbating openly as you walk around Wal-Mart?)

————————
What I’m Looking For:

A fascinatingly fabulous ferocious female who is friendly and fashionable. Far from fickle, fallible but not flawed. One who can facilitate face to face fawning while we fearlessly fantasize of felicity. (Ailliteration’s actually always awful and anybody amused is surely addlebrained. …Uh…running out of— and ants are amazing. Or something.)


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