I’ve not been sleeping well.
I didn’t want to alarm my nearest and dearest but since May 2009, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep. I toss and turn; I sweat profusely; I call out for my mother and I have nightmares that frighten me to my very core.
I tried altering my diet and mixing up my exercise regime; alas, these did not do a thing. I drank copious amounts of whiskey to knock me out, followed by swallowing fifteen sleeping pills; alas, this just gave me a hangover and a stomach ache.
I often sat down perplexed, looking wistfully into the distance wondering what the issue was, as having these troubles continue for longer than a year certainly indicated towards a concern I had buried deep down into my subconscious.
Then – eureka! – like a teenager discovering masturbation for the very first time, I felt the giddy excitement of a problem being solved. I didn’t have family, relationship or financial woes but there was an answer to one question I needed answering and my body wouldn’t let me sleep until I got it.
Why did Peter Andre divorce Katie Price?!?!
The News of the World (shut up, snob) told me that all is to be revealed when Peter ‘Look, I’m so tan’ Andre takes on Katie ‘Can you tell if I’m frowning?’ Price in a libel case this week. Having previously vowed to keep quiet on the reason for split and instead deciding to brutally eye and ear rape the masses with feeble attempts at a TV show and recording career, Peter ‘Did you know I’m Greek? I’m Greek!’ Andre is to lift the lid on the rea–zzzzzzzzz.
I think I’m the only person that marginally cares. Well, not including Alex Reid who is crazily trying to get a quote into a magazine as we speak. Anyway, we have a good week before we find out the true reason as to why this fairytale marriage went to the shitter, so I’m going to pre-empt a few reasons so I can look smug when I get them right. Here goes.
1. Peter ‘I told you I wasn’t gay’ Andre divorced Katie Price because he was sick of her son Harvey eating all of his dinner. (I almost felt bad about mocking the kid but it’s not like he can read this, is it? AAAYY-OOO! He is my favourite celebrity child though, for real.)
2. Peter ‘I FUCKED MEL B! I FUCKED MEL B!’ Andre divorced Katie Price because he was sick of always having to look at her facial expressions when she was speaking to be able to differentiate between good and bad moods and figure out when she was asking a question. Girlfrien’ is all on one monotonous level!
3. Peter ‘Whoa-oh-oh-oh-whoa-oh-oh Mysterious Girl’ Andre divorced Katie Price because he was always put off his game when he was doing the nasty with her. Katie, akin to a succubus, devours the souls of all the men she sleeps with in order to sustain life. Every time Peter went it for the kill, he would be faced with hearing the spirit of Dane Bowers rattling around her vagina, wanting to lick him up and down until he said stop and he just couldn’t take it anymore.
4. Peter ‘Insania’ Andre divorced Katie Price because he could not longer intimately touch a woman who had called their daughter Tiiami.
5. Peter ‘What the fuck am I doing presenting a comedy panel show on television?’ Andre just got too embarrassed riding around in a pink jeep at the weekends.
Most of my money is on number 3, but we’ll see. We’ll see. In the meantime, let’s look back to happier times and cry for the love that once was.
(On a side note, every fucking time I went to type Andre, I’ve ended up typing Andrew. That got annoying.)