Not For All The Tea In China.

You’ll often hear me say – much to the horror of my mother – “Oooooh, I just can’t wait to be pregnant! Belly, belly, belly! BELLY, BELLY, BELLY.” This is normally said after I’ve watched a Cow and Gate milk advert on the TV or have spent two or three minutes looking at pictures of my five-year-old niece on my brother’s UberDad Facebook profile.

I’m the weird girl that will invade a pregnant woman’s personal space and bellow into her stomach talking to the foetus or ask all about her urination schedule. I once wangled a free taxi home from the supermarket by popping a jumper under a t-shirt, limping off to a taxi rank and saying I’d hurt myself and couldn’t walk but had no money for the cab home. BINGO. Otherwise I would have had to walk up a hill, guys. A hill.

Later on at university, a friend of a friend ‘forgot’ to take her contraceptive pill and ‘accidentally’ got pregnant. Then she ‘accidentally’ forgot to go to her scheduled termination appointment and then ‘forgot’ to tell her boyfriend about it until he came in one night singing “Who ate all the pies?!” and the cat was out of the bag. Or the bun was firmly in the oven, if you will. From then on, she proudly paraded her neat little baby bump and I learned quite a few things from her. Namely:

1. Lithuanians might just be the Master Race; no cocoa butter application and not a stretch mark in sight.

2. You get a special pregnancy pack in a folder from the doctor! For someone like me who loves stationary and notebooks, this is a definite incentive.

3. University students can’t whisper when vocalising disapproval.

4. OH MY FUCKERY, I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE BIRTH. A human. Comes out. Of the vagina. Ladies, did you know this?!?!

Want to know something else? The pain might not just stop when you’ve pushed the kid out. No, no, no. My mother is forever telling me about how she leaned back while squeezing me out and ripped her vagoo. The midwife had to come in with a needle and some thread (seems a bit medieval for an ’88 baby, no?)  and go all patchwork quilt on her private parts. Too much information? Yeah, well, just imagine hearing that story a few times a year for two decades.

Clutching your vagina, are we girls? Hm? Well, the headline title of this article I’m linking you to is ‘Midwife sews up woman’s anus in revenge.’




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