We can find it in bars, in supermarkets, on blind dates or while sitting in the park. Perhaps we’ll stumble across it in line for a kebab, on a plane, whilst on holiday or at the weekly Church Singles get-together. Since the invention of the interwebz, we’ve now been able to get to know a huge number of people while being sat at home watching Columbo reruns in our pants.
For those super-efficient visionaries among us, a mere dating profile on a website is not enough. No, no, no. Advertising on your own website? Yes, yes, yes. Step forward, you burning hunk of love, Paul Narang.
Having read about America’s finest here, I pretty much decided just to steal the idea and rewrite for my blog because it’s MY BLOG.
Meet the man in question:
This is his website homepage and we all know that first impressions count. There’s nothing that impresses me more than a man with the ability to greet me multiple ways in English and nothing screams professional more than using Comic Sans. Red Comic Sans.
Also, I have no idea why he’s decided to include a cock-shaped swimming pool there. If Freud was still rattling around, I’m sure he’d have an explanation for us.
His website is filled to the brim with a considerable about of bollocks, like how he has connections with a number of past Republican Presidents (mmmhmm), about how often he’s been on TV (mmmhmm), how he likes to watch ‘Shakespearean and other plays’ (could have just said ‘I like theatre’ there, buddy) and how number 7 on his Life Goals is his wish to ‘to eliminate extreme poverty in India’. There are no words. To see his really interesting dating ad(?) go here but I’ve got some choice quotes.
It gets so much better. When I was 14, I told my friends I wouldn’t date a boy my own age; he had to be a college student with a car. I needn’t have been so fussy seeing as I was an excruitiatingly annoying uggo but having wheels does seem to impress the ladies. Does Paul Narang drive?
I like driving fast cars, although I always obey the speed limit. I have owned, leased, rented, or otherwise driven most models of Lexus, Mercedes, Cadillac, Porsche, BMW, and Jaguar.
Crikey! I love a man that rents his automobiles for a period of time or has friends that allow him to drive theirs. Really sexy. How about fitness though? Some women will only really go for a man who takes care of his physique. Can you handle that, Paul?
I like to keep fit and in perfect health and walk, jog, or run several times a week.
You walk several times a week? Now I’m rethinking my own regime, Mr Motivator.
What kind of girl catches your eye, Pauly?
I am generally attracted to women with light-colored hair, eyes and complexion. Go Blondes!!! Especially Blondes!!! Yeah!!!
What about a mixed-race brunette with brown eyes, baby?
I am not really physically attracted to darker skin complexion, dark hair or brown eyes. If you have black hair, or brown eyes, you stand very little chance.
If you are cold, aloof, or the shy type, not a cuddler, don’t know how to woo a man, don’t know how to smell or appear attractive to a man, you have absolutely no chance with me!
KICK ME WHEN I’M DOWN. I’m forever Googling ‘perfume I need to wear to find myself a husband’ to no avail. I’m thoroughly gutted, Pauly-pie.
If once married you engage in adultery, unrepentant sin, are not humble before God, fail to attend weekly religious services, fail to obey God’s rules, or do anything to live in violation of accepted Judeo-Christian principles, God Himself will strike you down with a vengeance the likes of which you can only imagine!
Whoa. He will?
Would you like a date with someone like me?
My relationship with God and Christ will always come first, but you will be a close second!
Great! But nah. Your overuse of exclamation marks unnecessarily riles me, Narang. It riles me.