Dog is God Spelled Backwards.

Power walking up a hill laden with shopping bags is probably my least favourite time to be stopped and preached at – a close runner-up would be ‘every other time possible’ – so imagine my disdain at being cornered by a spotty teenager excitedly wielding leaflets t’other day.

“Do you feel the power of Jesus?”

Ugh, here we go.

“I’m an atheist actually.”

“We’ve all lost our faith at one time or another.”

“…”

Like Jay-soos himself leaning forward with fish to feed to five thousand, Teenage Christian lurched dramatically into my personal space and thrust his leaflet in my face, asking me if I had boyfriend problems.

“Or financial woes, family issues, job stresses? Yes? Come along to our outdoor party and be anointed with our Holy water straight from Israel to help you on your way.”

At this point my eyes had glazed over, I’d wet myself and I had just started dribbling. Sensing that he wasn’t getting anywhere, Teenage Christian waved me off on my way.

Back home I realised (by the power of God?) that I hadn’t screwed up and thrown away his few pages of holiness and sat down to have a little read.

Page 1 – Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Page 2 – Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Pages 3 and 4 – BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

Pages 5 and 6 – Personal testimonies. Bingo! And to think I mocked… Behold, the power of the Holy Oil.

Testimony One:

When doctors told me I only had a few days to live, I was devastated. I was so weak that I had to be carried to church but I believed that God could turn things around for me. Every Tuesday I was anointed during the meeting for health and would receive prayer.Little by little, I felt my strength coming back…until I was discharged and given the all clear. …I believe the anointing helped me get my health back.

NO. Don’t even get me started on the narcissism one must harbour to think all it takes is a wink up to the skies and a Fonz-style ‘eeeeeyyyyyyy’ to get God scratching your name off the heaven list but, seriously, no. I smell an elaborate practical joke here. No word as to whether this ‘diagnosis’ occurred around April but it wouldn’t surprise me. Or even if she’s died since. My mother was in hospital with a woman who was given two months and managed to stretch that out to a little over two years; no Holy water, just gin and a few trips to Florida.

This one is my favourite sent in by a Mister Batshit Crazy from Mental Street, Insanetown, Cuckoosville. I’ve squeezed in some of my (holy) thoughts that cropped into my head as I was reading it.

Testimony Two:

The grudges against my ex-girlfriend made me become a very angry and malicious person…

After a break-up a few years ago, I had been known to send the odd few (thousand) drunken, expletive-laden text messages to the dumper. We’ve all been there, big guy!

…to the point of wanting to kill her…

Oh. Sorry – haven’t been there.

…and her partner.

Wow.

Everyday I thought of ways of how I would kill them both.

That’s… Odd.

The moment that I was about to go ahead with my plan…

WHAT?!?!?!?!!

…I realised that it was a problem and I needed to change.

Oh, thank goodness. YOU MENTAL, MENTAL PERSON.

When I received the annointing…I started to see things differently… a desire of forgiveness took over my heart. I have moved on and [I am] happily married.

Blah, blah, blah, MARRIED? I really wouldn’t want to be her.

Needless to say, I didn’t go to the rave that was the anointment-giveaway bonanza. It was actually held today in south London and it’s been really miserable weather. I’d make a joke about Jay-soos pissing on their parade but I’m just not that childish (ha-ha-he-he).


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