Not For All The Tea In China.

You’ll often hear me say – much to the horror of my mother – “Oooooh, I just can’t wait to be pregnant! Belly, belly, belly! BELLY, BELLY, BELLY.” This is normally said after I’ve watched a Cow and Gate milk advert on the TV or have spent two or three minutes looking at pictures of my five-year-old niece on my brother’s UberDad Facebook profile.

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We can find it in bars, in supermarkets, on blind dates or while sitting in the park. Perhaps we’ll stumble across it in line for a kebab, on a plane, whilst on holiday or at the weekly Church Singles get-together. Since the invention of the interwebz, we’ve now been able to get to know a huge number of people while being sat at home watching Columbo reruns in our pants.

For those super-efficient visionaries among us, a mere dating profile on a website is not enough. No, no, no. Advertising on your own website? Yes, yes, yes. Step forward, you burning hunk of love, Paul Narang.

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Dog is God Spelled Backwards.

Power walking up a hill laden with shopping bags is probably my least favourite time to be stopped and preached at – a close runner-up would be ‘every other time possible’ – so imagine my disdain at being cornered by a spotty teenager excitedly wielding leaflets t’other day.

“Do you feel the power of Jesus?”

Ugh, here we go.

“I’m an atheist actually.”

“We’ve all lost our faith at one time or another.”


Like Jay-soos himself leaning forward with fish to feed to five thousand, Teenage Christian lurched dramatically into my personal space and thrust his leaflet in my face, asking me if I had boyfriend problems.

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