How’s it going? Busy these days, huh? Do you remember the old times between us? Remember when I first got a computer and it barely fit into my old bedroom? And the WAAAHHHEEEKKKXXZZZZZRRRRRRBRRRRRR of the dial-up? Back when we had to pay to use the internet per minute. With AOL! Gosh, those were funny times. Remember when we used to get together with my friends and piss about on AOL chat? Remember how funny that was? Yeah. Such a shame that weirdo, who turned out not to be thirteen AT ALL, had to send me a picture of his willy and my mum moved the computer downstairs. One bad egg always ruins the fun.
We had fun, didn’t we? You’ve been there for me. When I spent the aftermath of Christmas one year being so hung over I couldn’t get out of bed, you were there for me to buy a dress on before NYE; you’ve given me the answer to many a pub quiz question; I’ve even been able to join my local doctor’s surgery with your help, Internet. We’ve had some good, fun, informative times.
It is with that in mind that I write to you today. I need a new pair of shoes. My beau is due to make a trip down to London shortly and I want to look like a knock-out for him. Please take this literally. I want to knock him out with my awesomeness (but in a nice, romantic way). I want my feet to sit in little seats of visual ecstasy, I want to walk on clouds of stylish excitement, I want my tootsies to be wrapped in shoey wonders. Not just any shoey wonders – shoey wonders that I won’t find everyone else in. MY FEET MUST LOOK UNIQUE.
I come to you, Internet, to beg you to find me the best you have to offer so I can buy and rejoice in. I’ll wait.
You’ve found some? Designed by Iris Schieferstein? Right, never heard of her. She’s German? OK, great. Europe is cool. Show me! Show me what will wow my boyfriend!
OH! OH YES! I AM SO BUYING THESE.
Internet wins again.