Reading Tedious Bollocks So You Don’t Have To.


I think I speak for the women of Britain when I sit and say, “I wish we could all be more like Vanessa Feltz.” She’s an institution and known by us all (and that’s not just because she’s too big to overlook – BOOM BOOM! LOL! No, seriously, I jest).

Did you know her first kiss was with DJ Pete Tong when she was 12? No, neither did I. That might not be true as I only had a look at her Wikipedia profile. Did you know she studied at Trinity College, Cambridge? Only English (POW!) but she still left with a first class honours degree.

She had a wonderful education and then went on to marry and breed. She writes some stuff, presents some shows, gets divorced because she chose cake over her husband and goes all Loony McMentalcase on Celebrity Big Brother. She claws herself back from ridicule (well, as much as she can), writes some more stuff, presents some more TV, shacks up with a man who has no personality but is ten years younger than her, wins some awards (HOW?) and seems to always crop up.

Love her or loathe her she’s had a fairly eventful life and, by that, I mean much more eventful than mine, thus far, which has been BIRTH > EDUCATION > BOUGHT A REALLY GREAT DRESS > TODAY and you’d think she might just be qualified to give a bit of advice to the British public as part of a magazine feature, wouldn’t you? Yes you would! And, my gosh, she does a great job.

This week, in Reveal, I found myself just taking a moment to put down the magazine and stand clapping at Vanessa. She took ‘helpfullness’ to a whole new level. This was the problem:

DOES SHE FANCY ME?
My toddler goes to a playschool and I’ve become quite friendly with one of the other mums. We spend time at each other’s houses while the little ones play. She’s always been very warm and she constantly throws her arms around me. I felt very comfortable with her until she casually mentioned that she’s a lesbian. Is she hitting on me? I’m not gay and I don’t know how to deal with this.
Ella (who is clearly a dick) from Devon.

That’s hilariously silly on all kinds of levels. I mean, who even writes into magazines anymore? HELLO! Hasn’t she heard of Yahoo! Answers? Anyway, that’s not the best bit. The best bit comes in the form of Vanessa’s first sentence in her answer paragraph. I love it. I love her.

Vanessa’s answer: She might fancy you. On the other hand, she might not.

ZING ZING ZING! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GIVE THIS GIRL A MEDAL! GIVE THIS GIRL A DAYTIME TV CHAT SHOW (again)!

Seriously. That’s just marvellous.

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