A young gentleman asked me to suck his dick today. I was flabbergasted; a 1950s courtship that was not. Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of anything particularly scathing to say back to him so all that came out of my mouth was a “UUHHH GOD. EWWW NO” to which him and his friend responded with maniacal laughter.
It wasn’t until I was home safe that I remembered the best comeback I’ve ever encountered. A teenage boy once shouted the following at me when I wouldn’t go into the off-licence with all his spare change and buy him a couple litres of Blackthorn (oh, to be young again) and it knocked anything I ever heard before out of the water.
It is just pure win for the simplicity. It was directed as an insult, without actually being an insult. It momentarily confused me and then made me giggle. In short, it was nothing short of genius. It went a little something like this:
Hi. Can you go in the shop and get me some cider please?
What? No! How old are you, you little scamp?
Go on, I’ve got the money.
Where is your mother?
Fuckin’ ‘ell, I just want some cider. Can you get me some?
Goodness gracious, child, you should be at home watching Bernard’s Watch.
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH.
Oh, that’s just not nice.
SHUT THE FUCK UP. HA HA HA. YOUR MUM SUCKS YOUR DAD’S COCK. HA HA HA.
There it is, in all its splendour. My mother. Sucks the cock of my father.
And off he rode, into the night, full of pride with his victory as I’m left scratching my head wondering if that really was an insult. I was so confused.
OH MY GOSH. He just said MY MOTHER sucks MY DAD. Oh, ewwwwwwwwwww. Oh. Wait. Hang on. That’s probably true, right? Was that an insult? I don’t know. What just happened? What day is it? What’s my name?
Next time I’m strolling around the hood and come by a rap battle, I MUST break this out.