Fetishists, You Can Thank Me Later.

I watched Whip It this afternoon. Y’know, the new Drew Barrymore directed film staring Ellen ‘Juno’ Paige on roller boots. I’d review it but no one cares and, anyway, I have something far more important to blog about.

This film, which appears light and airy, deals with a deeper issue closer to my heart. Something that’s been kept underground for far too long; something that I think we would all benefit from talking about a little more.

Facial hair.

It’s no secret to those close to me that a bushy beard makes me happier than Katie Price gets when she has crushed the soul of a new man and so I was pleased to see Whip It promoting the face bush.

Exhibit A:

This is Jimmy Fallon. I’ve completely forgotten the name of the character he was playing; I was clearly mesmerised. This is some good fuzz, if a little ‘My First Beard’. Needs work but the man is off to a great start.

Exhibit B:

This guy is Andrew Wilson. Wilson. As in the Wilson brother that isn’t the dark haired one or the other one that is, somehow, very bloody popular.

The film got me thinking about my Top 3 Beards which I have decided to share, natch. Beware, you will get erections over these even if you don’t have a penis.

#3 – Scroobius Pip.

It takes a chap with the X-Factor to pull of a beard of this length; even I, the resident beard enthusiast, can scoff at most attempts. This works. Pip, I salute you.

#2 – Simon Neil (Biffy Clyro)

Similar in calibre to Andrew Wilson’s, this has the edge because it’s been on his face for quite a while now and I’m hopeful that he has no intention to shave it.

#1 – The Bearded Lady of Guilford

Look at that whopper!

It’s a lady!

A LADY.

WITH A BEARD.

Just for the pure mental fuckery, this woman will always be top of my list. Also, I have that coat. Should I be ashamed? Nah. Bitch got style.

I’m giving out a special mention to this fellow, seeing as it’s that time of year:

The big JC gets a shout out if only for his tireless promotion of the beard.

Lastly, we have an entry for the Hall of Shame:

NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE A GOATEE. FUCK YOU, CRAIG. FUCK YOU.

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