Peter Andre, You’ll Be A Tool Forever.

Last week I took a stab at Kelly ‘I Won’t Be This Thin For Long’ Osbourne and her celebrity column in Closer magazine; I figured, because I’m just so full of venom, I’d make this a weekly thing. I’m a little magazine junkie so I’m never short of something to groan in despair over. This week, fans, I bring to you my distaste of Planet Pete from New magazine.

Since his D-I-V-O-R-C-E, Peter ‘I Had A Breakdown In The Nineties And I Don’t Shut The Fuck Up About It’ Andre’s column has become two shitting pages worth. Two. Pages. Oddly, he never really has anything to say other than veiled insults at his ex-wife and pity me statements about how much he misses his children.

This week, Pete talks about his holiday to Dubai with his chubbier brother Chris and the interestingly named Princess and Junior. Continuing his crusade to win the empty hearts of the nation’s retards, Andre attempts to enthral us by telling us just how into spending time with his children he is:

‘I’m not even taking a nanny as I just want to spend quality time with the kids’.

Now, maybe I’m just a picky bitch but that had me rolling my eyes and tutting loudly to myself.

Oh! Peter! Not *even* taking a nanny? You mean you and your adult brother are going on holiday with your two children and not taking hired help? You are going to manage by yourselves? Oh, how will you do it? What a devoted father you are! You get some time off work and decide to spend it with your children sans extra help? You bloody martyr! I’m dumbfounded! What a selfless, loving, responsible man you are! I can’t believe it because, I mean, it’s not like less affluent working parents have been doing that for years before you, have they?


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