Hi Pixie, it’s me. You know, Allie.
I just wanted to have a quick word, actually. I heard your song on the radio. You know? That one where you’ve got a black wig on in the video and you look a bit ill? Yes, that one.
I know you’re young, you’re still 19. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. We all make mistakes when we are teenagers. I used to wear foundation that didn’t match my skin tone and it wasn’t until a guy friend asked me (a good few weeks after I’d started wearing it) if I was ill because my face was a different colour to the rest of my body, that I realised I looked like quite the twat. Granted, I wasn’t 19, but hey. We’ve all been there.
I just thought I’d mention this whole ‘songwriting’ thing. You say you are a singer/songwriter? I think you might be pushing it slightly. This is the chorus to your new song:
Pullin’ me back
Pullin’ me in
Why you pullin’ me back
Pullin’ me in
Just like gravity
Gravity, gravity, gravity, gravity, gravity.
That’s actually a bit shit, isn’t it? From one musician to another, I’m telling you how it is. I’m a musician, you query? Look, I got a B in GCSE Music and, quite frankly, you need all the help you can get.
You don’t want my help? Fine, whatever. I’m just saying, don’t compare ‘love’ to ‘gravity’. It’s not the 1980s. That’s so gay.
It’s lucky that you’re pretty, s’all I’m sayin’.
Sorry, we need to get you down to Boots. You need some concealer, sharpish.