Oopsy Daisy.

Hi Ceri Thomas, editor of BBC Radio 4’s Today, what does your foot taste like?

I’ve a feeling you might live to regret a comment you made last week:

Asked why more women were being seen on the BBC News channel but not heard on Today, Thomas said: “Because I think those are slightly easier jobs. They are difficult jobs but the skillset that you need to work on the Today programme and the hide that you need, the thickness of that, is something else. It’s an incredibly difficult place to work.”

But I couldn’t possibly comment because I’m too busy deciding which pair of shoes goes with this top and cooing over babies.

Singletons, You Can Thank Me Later.

Flirting Masterclass 101.

An example to show that the lines from this little pop ditty will work in any circumstance when you have guns like Timbaland.

What’s somebody like you doing in a place like this?
Hi Timbs. This is a crematorium; my aunty just died. What are you doing here?
Did you come alone or did you bring all your friends?
These are my family. My aunty has died. What is Katy Perry doing here?
What’s your name?
Uh…
Whatchoo’ drinkin’?
I’ve just been crying into this cup of water because, you know, my aunty died.
I think I know what you’re thinking.
Something about my aunty, yes.
Baby, what’s your sign?
What?

Poor, aren’t they? However, when you take your jacket off and have arms like this:

You can pretty much intimidate anyone into sleeping with you*.

These are the chat up lines that will work if you are Katy Venereal Disease Perry:

Do you come here much? I swear I’ve seen your face before.
Drool…
Hope you don’t see me blush, but I can’t help but want you  more.
Hubba hubba…
I’m flirting with my eyes, wanna leave with you tonight.

And by ‘eyes’ she means…

These eyes will get you most things. You might not want to get everything  Katy Perry has though, if this is what you end up with:

Hey! Russell! While you’re here, I don’t know, how about writing some actual jokes? THANKS.

*Not to lawyers – not insinuating Timbs is a rapist, natch.

Reading Tedious Bollocks So You Don’t Have To: Thank Me Later.

I’m a magazine fan; music magazines, fashion magazines, gossip magazines, science magazines. I’ll read anything, even Woman’s Own. I read about 80% of them with a disgusted look on my face recoiling in horror at all the reader stories like “HAVING A BABY WITH MY PARAPLEGIC DAD” or “I STILL BREASTFEED MY THIRTY YEAR OLD SON” and tut at the absolute mediocrity of (faux?) celebrity news stories like “CHERYL COLE SCARED ASHLEY WILL START DATING AND HAVE GENDER REASSIGNMENT SURGERY” or something.

Page-filling bullshit aside, there’s one thing that really gets on my nerves and that’s celebrity columnists. I’m quite happy reading potentially libellous and salacious gossip articles about your deepest, darkest secrets but I really don’t care for your watered down version of your not particularly exciting life. I’m looking at you, Peter Andre. I’m also taking a sidewards glance at you, Kate Garraway. Most of all, my fist would like to meet Kelly Osbourne’s face.

I defy all of you not to have to same urge after looking at that.

Anyway, I’m not a great fan of the Osbournes. I hated their TV show and I once saw Sharon waddle out of a jeep in a Toys ‘R’ Us car park in Southampton when she was embarrassing herself in panto. I find Kelly being a ‘celebrity’ a bit sad seeing as she’s just the inanimate product of a rock star and a woman who whores her family out for money. She’s been addicted to something, fucked a few musicians and dropped a few hundred stone. Big whoop.

So, I was perusing this week’s Closer when I stumbled across her page of cack. Something about some TV programme she loves, something about the reason why her arm is in a cast (unfortunately, not a funny story about over zealously reaching for the cookie jar) and something about some party she attended. She managed to squeeze in a little something about her toyboy other half too. You know – the one who looks like he’s just coming up to his twelfth birthday and the one who is a ‘model’. The is what she had to say:

I flew to London last week to surprise my fiancé Luke…
Oh, I bet he was just thrilled. I know I would be.
…I hadn’t seen him for six weeks because he’s been working here while I’ve been working in LA.
I call bullshit on ‘working’.
His agent told him to go to a hotel for a modelling job…
Sounds legit.
…but when he got there I opened the door – he was shocked!
I fucking bet he was, love. Gutted, absolutely gutted.

Just to quickly summarise the rest of the account for you, it ends with “blah, blah, blah. Sense of self-entitlement, blah, blah, blah”.

Well, thanks Kels. Thanks for being as boring as ever.

People With Ears, You Can Thank Me Later

Hello my loyal and trusted minions followers. I thought we could get to know one another and be like old friends. Or new friends. Best friends.

I figured, in between my usual bouts of try-hard hilarity, I would add some personal posts. And by ‘personal’ I mean things about my weight fluctuations, menstrual cycle and recurring vaginal imbalance issues*.

Jokes!

As if I would [this early on in our virtual relationship]. I mean films/musics/fashion/politicians/mathematical equations I like. Shit like that. I will preach to you, followers. Thou shall digest and take heed (if you want).

Today, darlings, it’s my favourite six songs of the week, complete with review. These are not necessarily new songs out; in fact I don’t think any of them are this week. However, they are tres bon and from a couple artists you may not know. So I’m doing you a favour**.

So, possums, in no particular order:

Hockey – Wanna Be Black  (From the album Mind Chaos)

You may have heard Hockey’s ‘Song Away’ used on an advert from some dire E4 programme (it’s a catchy ditty). I can’t be bothered to check to be more concise, sorry. Anyway, this album track is better. I rate it: Great.

Johnny Cash – Hurt (A Nine Inch Nails cover)

I hate Nine Inch Nails. Burning hate. A burning, irrational hate. However, I had to put this version back on the ol’ playlist after finally watching Walk The Line with LipScar Phoenix and Chins Witherspoon. I rate this: Also Great.

Frightened Rabbit – The Modern Leper (From the album The Midnight Organ Fight)

Again; this is great. Also sung in a Scottish accent making it exotic. (Also – check out the beard! Nice work).

Delphic – This Momentary (From the album Acolyte)

We all know Delphic from Radio One wanking all over Doubt and playing it all the fucking time. I don’t listen to that station very much*** but when I do, it’s either that or the one with Timbaland trying to chat up Katy Venereal Disease Perry. Anyway, this too is great.

Nneka – Heartbeat (From the album No Longer At Ease)

This is one for my bruddas ‘n’ sistas. Half Nigerian (woo) and half German, this singer/songwriter is The Nuts. Could do with a bit of Frizz Ease, but is otherwise a solid ‘great’.

Two Door Cinema Club – Undercover Martyn (From the album Tourist History)

I don’t know anything about this band so actually have nothing to say. It’s great, mind.

There you go. You are welcome.

* I can’t stress enough how much this isn’t true; I made it up for the microlols. My vadge is perfect.
** You can send your gratitude via PayPal.
*** Save 6 Music!

Rant Fans, You Can Thank Me Later.

OH, HAI FRIEND.

Remember last night?
You were all “we need to be someone at half past eleven but it takes an hour to get there.” Then you were all “I’ll come and get you at ten-thirty.” And I was all “yeah, OK,” and then you were like “MAKE. SURE. YOU’RE. READY. ON. TIME” and I was a bit like “bitch, I’m always ready on time” and then you finished with “cool, because I’ll be there. If you’re not ready, I can’t wait.”
Remember that?
Yeah? Well. You’re fucking late.

Fans Of Political Punditry, You Can Thank Me Later.

The Budget for 2010 was released by the ever radiant Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair ‘P.I.M.P’ Darling just a few hours ago. If you didn’t see it, I’ve gathered a few of the key points (and by key points, I mean the things that appeal to me most) and have provided you beauties with my humble opinion on each. Learn, prosper and enjoy.

Key Point #1 – Alistair Darling was feeling psychedelic when he woke up this morning. Nice tie, loser.
























Key Point #2 – On track to achieve £11bn efficiency savings target.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Key Point #3 – Tax allowances for those on over £100,000 gradually removed.
In your face, Cameron!

Key Point #4 – Basic bank account guarantee for a million extra people.
Actually, this one is weird. Slap my face and call me a Tory, but there are people who are currently prohibited from having a bank account? Unless you’re cunting about with an overdraft facility (guilty) I don’t see why you wouldn’t get one.

Key Point #5 – £385m to maintain road network.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Key Point #6 – Tobacco duty up 1% from midnight on Sunday.
Meh.

Key Point #7 – Wine, beer and spirit duties to rise 2% from midnight on Sunday.
I can handle 2%.

Key Point #8 – Cider duty to rise 10% from midnight on Sunday.
FUCK YOU, LABOUR GOVERNMENT.

I don’t even drink cider; the last time I had some was probably when I was a Fresher at university and it was bloody cheap. Or maybe in the summer outside in a pub garden to compliment my Malboro Light back in the days when I was just pure reckless. It just seemed like such an extortionate rise that I had to go out and buy some Strongbow.

Stickin’ two fingers up to the man since ’88.