Christmas in Tesco

  • Stop ramming your trolley into my heels. If anything, that will make me go slower, you bastard.
  • Stop being so over dramatic and sighing at the long queues at the till. At 2pm and two days before Christmas, if you expected anything else, you’re a twat.
  • Is that a deodorant gift set? What? Dude, no one wants to open that.
  • Pardon? You’re buying someone biscuits for Christmas? Just wrap up some coal instead, you cheap fucker.
  • Stop playing The Pogues.
  • Stop playing The Pogues.
  • Stop playing The Pogues.
  • Stop playing The Pogues.
  • I don’t drink Bucks Fizz at any other time of the year so I’m not going to buy it now. Even if it is £1.99.
  • Can someone pass me the Christmas pretzel selection box?
  • Stop playing The Pogues.
  • Don’t judge me for the amount of Bombay Sapphire I have in my trolley. All those bottles are needed.

And, finally:

  • Stop playing The Pogues.
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